http://games.latimes.com/index_crossword.html?uc_feature_code=lacal

SPOILER ALERT: If you intend to do the puzzle, don’t read any further!

The crossword puns on “Wet one’s appetite,” which you might do to your lawn or your pants, but not your appetite. You might whet it, just as you would the kitchen knife, so now you’ll remember.

On the other hand, you wouldn’t “hone in on” the last pea. You might home in on it, but save the honing for that knife and your wits. If you don’t, we might have a “parting of the waves”—or not, unless you’re Moses. I can see how you might get there, though…we’re waving, our waves part… Or maybe you’re a hairdresser. However, if we’re having a tiff, you’ll have to settle for a parting of the ways.

Completely exposed = butt naked. We love saying this, don’t we? My mother was mortally opposed to “butt.” Only bad girls said butt. Since achieving adulthood, I’ve buttheadedly used it at every opportunity, but in this case even I have to insist that it’s buck naked. Nice try, though.

“Sacreligious” is not a word, and is really more a misspelling than an eggcorn. The word is sacrilegious and isn’t etymologically related to the word “religion.” Third cousins by marriage, twice removed at best.

“Zeroscaping” for a yard that requires no watering, however, an eggcorn at its best – perhaps a better word than the correct xeriscaping.

“Indicator of the winds of change?” is “bellweather.” In spite of how it may sound, it’s not a bell that rings in a gale but comes from the bell on a ram that leads a flock—bellwether.

My favorite is “laxadaisical.” It a perfect word, isn’t it? Says just what it means. I grew up hearing it and use it regularly. Truth is, though, only the lackadaisical say “laxadaisical.” Tell yourself that what you really lack is a daisical and you’ll remember. You’re welcome.

“Here, here.”  Glad you’re enthusiastic about being here, but if you’re trying to agree with my brilliant assessment of the situation, stick to hear, hear.

If we go much further we may venture into “unchartered waters.” If fact, you don’t have to hire a boat to get lost; you can meander into uncharted waters for free.

I had so much fun doing that puzzle that I went out and found a few more, these from the eggcorn data base, credited to Larry Horn. I don’t know who Larry Horn is, but based on the examples below, he will soon be known as larriwhorne and will be cited as a type of error based on poor translation from another language:

Bonified – Your head may just be bonified, but your credentials must be bona fide.

Mano a mano – If you use this, you’d better mean “one on one” or “hand to hand,” not “man on man,” because I don’t want to hear “womano a womano” ever again. “A mano” means by hand, not a man. Think manual.

Power Mower – You better be doing the lawn with this, not kissing it. Save the smooching for your paramour.

Pre-Madonna – might describe the early 80’s, but it if you want to discuss her public persona, you need to go with prima donna.

Social Morays – Really? I always thought they spent their days under rocks. I must misunderstand their social mores.

Enough already. I could waist daze in the eggcorn database.

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Here’s the skinny. You would not say, “Myself will take care of it”; therefore you do not say, “Joe and myself will take care of it.” You say  ”I will take care of it,” and you must say, “Joe and I will take care of it.” Myself my em-barr-ass! Cut it out.

And here’s another version: “Please fax it over to Brad and myself.” Now, would you say “Fax it over to myself”? Well, you might, but please don’t. “Fax it over to (Brad and) me.” Period.

OK, I know you’re all worried now because your Aunt Tilly told you it should be “Brad and I.” No, it shouldn’t. Aunt Tilly was just in a tizzy because she grew up hearing how she should stop saying, “Matilda and me are gonna go hunt dinosaurs.” And indeed she should have stopped, because it’s “I” when you’re the subject, and also because there really weren’t any dinosaurs and she was telling whoppers. She should have said, “Matilda and I are going to get dirty and annoy the neighbors.”

The point Aunt Tilly was missing is that “me” is a legitimate and under-used word. If you’re the object of the action, you should say “me,” even if there’s someone else involved. You wouldn’t say, “The feds cuffed I.” You would say, “The feds cuffed me.” So when they cuff your boss, too – and we know it was all his fault anyway – you’ll say, “The feds cuffed my no-good, rotten boss and me.”

And please be advised that “I” and “myself” are feuding. You may never begin a sentence with “I, myself…” Or at least wait until I’m out of the room.

So what the heck is “myself” for? “I gave myself a Valentine’s Day gift because no one else was speaking to me after my attack of grammatical priggery” would be a legitimate use of the word. You can even say, “I can’t stand her, myself.”

Now I’m taking myself to dinner to celebrate your grammatical rehabilitation.

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What it is: A malaprop is a misused word that results in a nonsense sentence, or sometimes a sentence that makes sense, but expresses something completely different from what was intended. The name comes from a character in a restoration comedy, The Rivals, by Richard Sheridan, called Mrs. Malaprop. Similar blunders have been made famous in real life by Yogi Berra, Dan Quale, and George Bush.

You probably haven’t made any such obvious bloopers on your site, but subtler version of the malaprop can reach out bite you in tender places in your most public moments to hilarious effect to everyone but you.

(In)famous malaprops:

G.W. Bush, courtesy of Wikipedia:

• “I want to remind you all that in order to fight and win the war, it requires an expenditure of money that is commiserate with keeping a promise to our troops to make sure that they’re well-paid, well-trained, well-equipped.” (commensurate)
• “We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.” (hostage)
• “When Iraq is liberated, you will be treated, tried and persecuted as a war criminal.” (prosecuted)
• “And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.” (alleviate)

Dan Quayle, courtesy of Snopes:

• “Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.” (bonding)
• “I stand by all the misstatements I have made.” (statements)

The media, also courtesy to Wikipedia:

• It was reported in New Scientist that an office worker described a colleague as “a vast suppository of information.” (repository) The worker then apologised for his “Miss-Marple-ism.” (malapropism) New Scientist reported it as possibly the first time malapropism has been turned into a malapropism.’

This is malapropartistry that few of us could hope to match, but that won’t keep of us from trying.

Eggcorns

What they are: eggcorns are words that are misheard as something that fits into the hearer’s known vocabulary and kind of makes sense. The word was coined by Mark Liberman – perhaps inadvertently – in Language Log when he described a woman who misheard the word acorns as egg corns. Mondegreens are words or phrases that are misunderstood – a subtle and not always clear difference. The word is most often used to describe misunderstood lyrics. Mondegreen or eggcorn – they’re both fun to say. For the whole scoop, read Gavin Edwards entertaining essay on the subject here.

Some eggcorns and mondegreens I stub my sensibilities on regularly online and in the workplace:

• a hair’s breath (should be a hair’s breadth – and not “hare-breath Harry,” either. Dog-breath, maybe.)
• waiting with baited breath – ewwwww! Think about it! Bated breath! Thank you!
• backpeddle – back pedal. Peddling backs sounds like on of those “I woke up in tub of ice” emails.
• bare witness – fun for the jury, but probably warmer to bear witness
• bear-faced lie – very descriptive, but bears don’t lie. Go with bare.
• bold-faced lie – what with our increasing understanding of type faces, this seems to make sense, but really it’s bald-faced – similar to bare-faced. We also don’t grin and bare it, unless we want to annoy the sheriff. We bear it. I know…all these bare bears bearing it in the woods – it’s confusing.
• could of – (could have or could’ve)
• deep-seeded – another that seems sensible, but it’s deep-seated. No soil involved.
• far-gone conclusion – (foregone conclusion)
• for all intensive purposes – intents and purposes
• free reign – King Louis had free reign. The revolution took care of that. Lesser beings have free rein of the horse, not the kingdom.
• get your dandruff up – again I say, and I can’t say this enough – eeewwwww!! Dander!
• get your nipples in a twist – while this may be titillating (sorry), it’s not correct. It’s your knickers that get twisted, unless you’re being tortured and that’s beyond the scope of this site.
• hail and hearty – not unless you’re the weather. Hail can be balls of falling ice or homage to King Louis–either way, your head is in danger. Hale is a healthy state of being, which might achieve with kale and…never mind.
• just assume – (just as soon)
• knitpick – the real thing is the more disgusting one in this case. You are not repairing the sweater, you are picking at little tiny things, like nits, which, in case you don’t know, is another name for lice. Nitpick
• laughing stalk – you could do this, if you’re a giggling pervert. You could hear it, if you have celery hallucinations. Barring those two cases, you must be a laughing stock.
• on tenderhooks – hooks have no tendency to be tender. Tenterhooks.
• past away – easy mistake to make, but if you have trouble remembering that your loved one has passed away, just use died.
• hand-ringing – unless you’re Edwina Bellhands, you’re wringing those hands
• keep your eyes pealed – eyes and fruit can be peeled; only bells can be pealed, unless, again, you’re Edwina.
• straightjacket – a person can be in dire straits, requiring a straitjacket while sailing the Straits of Gilbralter. Or one might stick to the straight and narrow path.
• take for granite – you mistook me for a rock?? That’s much worse than taking me for granted.
• expatriot – nope. Expatriate.
• chest of draws – chest of drawers
• wreckless driver – means exactly the opposite of what you were going for – reckless. Perhaps you should just call him a feckless driver.

Think you’re exempt? Hah! As we grow more experienced, we depend more and more on that capacity that allows humans to be human – autopilot. The more we run on autopilot, the more we fluff it. Save yourself. Proof, proof, proof. Get someone else to proof. If you’re building a website, have it scrubbed!

For more eggcorn fun, check out The Eggcorn Database.

Website Scrub – Click Here!

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