The Tribe of Adminsa home for wayward admins

There’s been such a positive response to the eggcorn and malaprop post that I thought you’d like to know that the theme of Merl Reagle’s July 4 crossword puzzle in the LA Times is “Gathering Eggcorns.”

http://games.latimes.com/index_crossword.html?uc_feature_code=lacal

SPOILER ALERT: If you intend to do the puzzle, don’t read any further!

The crossword puns on “Wet one’s appetite,” which you might do to your lawn or your pants, but not your appetite. You might whet it, just as you would the kitchen knife, so now you’ll remember.

On the other hand, you wouldn’t “hone in on” the last pea. You might home in on it, but save the honing for that knife and your wits. If you don’t, we might have a “parting of the waves”—or not, unless you’re Moses. I can see how you might get there, though…we’re waving, our waves part… Or maybe you’re a hairdresser. However, if we’re having a tiff, you’ll have to settle for a parting of the ways.

Completely exposed = butt naked. We love saying this, don’t we? My mother was mortally opposed to “butt.” Only bad girls said butt. Since achieving adulthood, I’ve buttheadedly used it at every opportunity, but in this case even I have to insist that it’s buck naked. Nice try, though.

“Sacreligious” is not a word, and is really more a misspelling than an eggcorn. The word is sacrilegious and isn’t etymologically related to the word “religion.” Third cousins by marriage, twice removed at best.

“Zeroscaping” for a yard that requires no watering, however, an eggcorn at its best – perhaps a better word than the correct xeriscaping.

“Indicator of the winds of change?” is “bellweather.” In spite of how it may sound, it’s not a bell that rings in a gale but comes from the bell on a ram that leads a flock—bellwether.

My favorite is “laxadaisical.” It a perfect word, isn’t it? Says just what it means. I grew up hearing it and use it regularly. Truth is, though, only the lackadaisical say “laxadaisical.” Tell yourself that what you really lack is a daisical and you’ll remember. You’re welcome.

“Here, here.”  Glad you’re enthusiastic about being here, but if you’re trying to agree with my brilliant assessment of the situation, stick to hear, hear.

If we go much further we may venture into “unchartered waters.” If fact, you don’t have to hire a boat to get lost; you can meander into uncharted waters for free.

I had so much fun doing that puzzle that I went out and found a few more, these from the eggcorn data base, credited to Larry Horn. I don’t know who Larry Horn is, but based on the examples below, he will soon be known as larriwhorne and will be cited as a type of error based on poor translation from another language:

Bonified – Your head may just be bonified, but your credentials must be bona fide.

Mano a mano – If you use this, you’d better mean “one on one” or “hand to hand,” not “man on man,” because I don’t want to hear “womano a womano” ever again. “A mano” means by hand, not a man. Think manual.

Power Mower – You better be doing the lawn with this, not kissing it. Save the smooching for your paramour.

Pre-Madonna – might describe the early 80’s, but it if you want to discuss her public persona, you need to go with prima donna.

Social Morays – Really? I always thought they spent their days under rocks. I must misunderstand their social mores.

Enough already. I could waist daze in the eggcorn database.

You want to have a drawing, or you’ve created a word list for a party and want to mix them up and don’t want to have to go through the process of pulling them out of someone’s greasy fedora. Here’s how to do it in about 15 seconds:

in Column A, list your names.
in Column B, enter the following: =RAND()*300
What that will do is enter a random number between 1-300 into Column B. If you choose 1000, it will enter a number between 1-1000. Go wild.

Drag to copy the formula down the whole column. You’ll see something like this:

See the random number in column B? Now sort by Column B. Be sure to choose “no header.” The results are confusing to look at, because Column B has an imperative to randomize and will do so again immediately, but now look at Column A:

Voila! Random!
You can throw away Column B – you don’t need it anymore.

Myself did not go lie awake agonizing over the rancid grammar of others last night, so myself is not exhausted. I, on the other hand, did and am. If I hear one more “Joe and myself will take care of it,” I will commit cubicle-kari. Seriously, people. You’re embarrassing yourselves. (No, since you asked. The etymology of embarrass is not what you think it is, but I hope you feel that way when I hear you using ‘myself’ as a first person pronoun. It’s called a “reflexive pronoun,” so reflect before you use it.)

Here’s the skinny. You would not say, “Myself will take care of it”; therefore you do not say, “Joe and myself will take care of it.” You say  ”I will take care of it,” and you must say, “Joe and I will take care of it.” Myself my em-barr-ass! Cut it out.

And here’s another version: “Please fax it over to Brad and myself.” Now, would you say “Fax it over to myself”? Well, you might, but please don’t. “Fax it over to (Brad and) me.” Period.

OK, I know you’re all worried now because your Aunt Tilly told you it should be “Brad and I.” No, it shouldn’t. Aunt Tilly was just in a tizzy because she grew up hearing how she should stop saying, “Matilda and me are gonna go hunt dinosaurs.” And indeed she should have stopped, because it’s “I” when you’re the subject, and also because there really weren’t any dinosaurs and she was telling whoppers. She should have said, “Matilda and I are going to get dirty and annoy the neighbors.”

The point Aunt Tilly was missing is that “me” is a legitimate and under-used word. If you’re the object of the action, you should say “me,” even if there’s someone else involved. You wouldn’t say, “The feds cuffed I.” You would say, “The feds cuffed me.” So when they cuff your boss, too – and we know it was all his fault anyway – you’ll say, “The feds cuffed my no-good, rotten boss and me.”

And please be advised that “I” and “myself” are feuding. You may never begin a sentence with “I, myself…” Or at least wait until I’m out of the room.

So what the heck is “myself” for? “I gave myself a Valentine’s Day gift because no one else was speaking to me after my attack of grammatical priggery” would be a legitimate use of the word. You can even say, “I can’t stand her, myself.”

Now I’m taking myself to dinner to celebrate your grammatical rehabilitation.

You pay a tax professional? Shocking!

How can I say this politely? OK, I can’t. Admins aren’t the best paid people on the planet. Nor do most of us have complicated tax situations. So why are you squandering your hard-won pennies to retrieve the taxes that you overpaid because you weren’t paying attention in the first place? Who are you that you need a CPA, Donalda Trump, E.A.? Seriously!

If you can juggle travel, expenses, meetings, presentations, onboarding, offboarding and the hundred other urgent issues and crazed people you deal with on a daily basis, you can manage to follow step-by-step instructions to tell a piece of software to fill in your tax forms. I’ve gotten better refunds doing it myself than I ever have from a tax pro, and not because I’m good at it. Doing taxes myself makes me think about and dig up more deductions that hauling a shoebox to I & S Clock ever did. Take the leap. You can use the money you save to invite me to lunch. I accept chocolates, too.

Search for Tax Software

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Sometimes someone else says it so well, there’s no point in repeating it. I stumbled across this tip in LauraJ’s Weblog the other day. It’s yet another tool to use in our unending quest to split up first and last names (or any text) in an Excel column. Here’s the link:  LauraJ’s Weblog

I’d quote her, but she uses pictures – bless her – and those wouldn’t carry over. Take a little side trip over to her site and then come on back for more about Excel. Thanks, LauraJ!

I’ve stumbled across a new (to me) web host (where you place that new website you’re going to make) with a promo an admin’s gotta love: a campaign to end the use of the word “fail” as a noun. It will ‘fail,’ of course, but it’s a noble cause. The host is DreamHost. Their new-century contest for an old-century idea is this: Tweet the name “DreamHost” and be entered in a contest to win an iPad. The catch is that you mustn’t misuse the word “fail” in your tweet….but you wouldn’t anyway, would you?

It isn’t really a new host. According to friends who use it, they’ve been around for a the better part of a decade. They seem to be doing everything right. They’re employee-owned, they’re green, they’re both Mac and Windows friendly, they talk to you and they show their faces. The prices are excellent and they have all the right “stuff” available. They even offer you a “green verifier” button to demonstrate to your visitors that your site is carbon neutral. If I were starting up now, this is the host I’d choose.

What they don’t offer is ready-made site templates. If that’s what you’re after, try one of the other hosts discussed in earlier posts, like BlueHost (this link leads to a $6.95/mo promo), GoDaddy ($6.99/ mo) or HostGator (starts at $4.95 and is a green host).

Current promotions for all four are listed here. As always, purchases made by clicking on any links from this site help support the site without raising your cost.

A lot of people are asking how do I decline a meeting without having the meeting notice disappear? I changed my mind later and the invitation was GONE! The answer is here:
Outlook FAQ Item 9…but I won’t make you click again!

If you have a newer version of Outlook, the invitation is in your Outlook trash folder and you can retrieve it. If you have an older version, however, it’s just gone. You’ll need to ask the host to send you a new copy of the invitation, or ask someone to forward* it to you. The way to avoid this in the future is to open the calendar, open or right click on the meeting, and decline from there. The invitation will remain in your inbox where you can accept it again, thereby putting it back into the calendar.

If you want to the invitation to remain on the calendar but not show as busy, you’ll need to “reply to” the originator saying that you won’t be able to attend, then change the “show time as” option to “free.” If you choose “decline” it will be removed from the calendar.

Tip: I like to make a personal folder for declined invitations so that I can quickly review what I’ve turned down if the conflict changes.

You’ve chosen and purchased your domain name, and you’re about to choose a host. STOP. Before you do that, you have to think about how you want to create the actual website. There are many ways to do this. If you have no experience and don’t want to learn software to code it from scratch, I recommend taking one of three paths:

1) Go with the packaged “website in an hour” version offered by your host. The strength of the out-of-the-box website is it’s simplicity. The weakness in the plan is that these tend to be inflexible, often require you to buy the domain name (the name of your site)  from the host, and are difficult if not impossible to transfer if you decide to change hosts. The host may own the name and just let you use it – as long as you remain a client. Think of it as renting. If you love your domain name, check out the policy on transfers before you click OK.

Vocabulary Review: The host is where your website lives. If you just put it on your computer, no one could see it…you need to put it on a server that other people can see. Servers that you or I would use are owned by companies referred to as web hosts.

2) Use a content manager, like Expression Engine. You’ll need to buy it, but they’ll supply templates and support. The downside is that it costs money. The upside is – it bears repeating – support and a professional product. You can see some examples on their site; click on “showcase” and “templates,” or look at this one: http://www.einsteinthepuggle.com. (I have no relationship to this site and categorically deny all responsibility…but he’s a cute little bugger.) I decided – after much agonizing and bugging the tech-savvy owner of the aforementioned puggle site – not to use Expression Engine because I wanted to bend my pennies into quarters, but it seems to be an excellent piece of software.

3) Use free software. This site is created on what may be the largest free website creation software: WordPress. I like it because it was the most flexible of the free software that I found and there were no strings attached – but I’m no expert; feel free to do your own research. Since it’s completely free, you can’t expect to always find technical support, but the forum is huge and well-attended, and there are bazillions of free plug-ins (enhancements to the software for specific purposes) and templates (to control the way the site looks and the links work). I thought it was all Ancient Greek and managed–with forum support–to figure it out, so you definitely will.

Tip: There is a hosting site specifically for Wordpress. This is their “.com” site as opposed to the site of the free software, the “.org” site. I haven’t chosen to use that service because it’s fairly limited. If you want to create a commercial site, I don’t think it’s the host for you.

Are you worrying about your platform (Windows, Mac, etc.)? Don’t. The website software runs on the host, not on your computer. You can download it and manually load it onto the host, but 1) you’re not going to and 2) all the software I’m telling you about works on either platform. However, if you use a Mac, check out the FAQs to see if the host supports Mac. Also do a quick Google search of the host name +Mac. The problem isn’t that the Mac has any problems, but the host might – they are suspicious of the “Other” – and as soon as you have a support issue, they will blame your Mac. Find a ’support-ive’ host.

The other option is to buy DreamWeaver and build it from scratch. You can try it for free with this link and see if this is the route for you. The upsides are complete control over your website and a new skill. I think Adobe has made it as simple as possible, but it’s if your first time with HTML or XHTML, you probably want to start with one of the earlier options. I tried it, pronounced it completely doable and moved on to something free and faster – but sometimes I wish I’d built it from scratch so I’d know what was lurking in here. Other days, I’m grateful not to have to think about it.

Now that you’ve decided what software to use (what took you so long?), look at your host’s specifications. You’ll find much mumbo and more jumbo. Focus on what you need to know:

• Do they support the software you want to use? You want to see it in the list of supported programs, or see something like “WordPress enabled.” (Or Expression Engine – whatever you choose). If you can’t find it, ask your host if they support the software. Don’t be embarrassed to be a newbie. Just say, “I’ve never done this before and I was thinking of using…” The speed and quality of the response will tell you a lot about the host.
  • I spent a few weeks working with a completely willing and helpful host who didn’t really know WordPress or Expression Engine and had old versions. Even though he was so helpful and I felt guilty, I went with a host who was completely conversant and up to date. I’ve thanked myself daily ever since. Sometimes I even send me flowers.
• What’s their policy on ads? A lot of free services implant ads on your site. All revenues for those ads go to the service. Fair enough since it’s free, but is that what you really want? You have no control over what your audience will see and no opportunity to earn income. Do they allow you to put your own advertising on your site?
• If you want to sell a product, you need to know if they provide (free?) or support a shopping cart and checkout system. GoDaddy.com Quick Shopping Cart®, for example, has a panoply of carts. Just be sure to choose a plan that includes them. Note: it costs a little more to buy a hosting plan that includes all the bells and whistles for a store – about $10/month – so you might consider a couple of alternatives: 1) choose a minimal plan and upgrade when you’re satisfied with it or 2) choose a basic plan, set up a free store at eCrater or Etsy and link to it. Once you get really good at it, you can seamlessly redirect a link to your store. Keep in mind that you will pay a commission on sales made this way.
• You might want email addresses at your domain. If so, look for the number of included email addresses.
• Do you want to host a forum? Make sure they support forum software – it’s separate from the website software. I like phpBB3. You can see an example in our currently not-very-active forum. How about a wiki? If so, make sure they support wikis. Will you want to do a bunch of sites? Make sure you can add on domains or sub-domains. My recommendation with all of these things is to make sure they’re available in case you want them, but don’t sign up for a plan with all the extras. Do the basic plan and upgrade as you need it.
• There’s one last thing you might look for while you’re investigating at the host’s advantages: Fantastico. This is a piece of software that installs all your website software for you. It saves you from having to learn what a config file is and how to edit php. High volume hosts tend to have it. The downside is that it doesn’t always work. If you have problems and go hunting for a solution, the first thing you’re going to hear is, “get rid of the Fantastico installation and do it manually,” but we can blow up that bridge when we come to it.

You’ve done enough for one day. Go walk the cat.

Admins have high-stress jobs, right? We multi-task holes into our brains, rush like cheetahs on speed, smile until we have cheek cramps, and if no one is yelling at us, we’re yelling at ourselves . So what do you do for fun? If you’re lucky, you have a passion. I know it’s sick that I entertain myself helping people figure things out about work. I hope you’re better balanced. And I know you can write…so I’ll bet you’re thinking about blogging. And I know some little critter is whispering, “you could make money…do it!”

But can you? The truth is, most attempts to make money via blogging fail. You can’t just stick ads on your blog or website and expect it to make money – you have to do it right – you know, like you do everything at work. It’s referred to as “monetizing” your blog, by the way. Want to try it?

The first thing you need is a domain name. Tribeofadmins.com is the domain name of this site, for example. To do that, you must make sacrifices to the domain gods. The most powerful domain god is Network Solutions. They’ll let you choose a package and sacrifice anywhere from $9.99 to $32.99 in the form of Visa or Mastercard – no blood involved. I like them because they were here first and they’re The One and that’s that.

The next thing you need is a place to plop your site down. This is a web host. You can spend anywhere from nothing to the$ky’sthelimit on this…I recommend next to nothing. “Next to,” because it buys you a bit more service than “nothing.” Some of the popular services are Hostgator, GoDaddy and BlueHost.

Make sure that the host you choose supports your operating system (Windows, Mac, Linux), look at their “uptime” statistics (the higher the better – what’s the point in having a site if it’s down?), and good customer service reviews. A good place to look is the FAQ. If you see something like “We support Mac, but…” and you have a Mac, go elsewhere.

Once you’ve done all that, you can decide what software you want to use to create your blog, but that’s for another post. We’ve done quite enough for one day.

Are you a civil serpent who likes to really get down to brass roots? Do you work in an agency that handles emergences that require evaporating whole cities? Do you move fast because a rolling stone gathers no moths? You may be a malaprop and eggcorn savant.

What it is: A malaprop is a misused word that results in a nonsense sentence, or sometimes a sentence that makes sense, but expresses something completely different from what was intended. The name comes from a character in a restoration comedy, The Rivals, by Richard Sheridan, called Mrs. Malaprop. Similar blunders have been made famous in real life by Yogi Berra, Dan Quale, and George Bush.

You probably haven’t made any such obvious bloopers on your site, but subtler version of the malaprop can reach out bite you in tender places in your most public moments to hilarious effect to everyone but you.

(In)famous malaprops:

G.W. Bush, courtesy of Wikipedia:

• “I want to remind you all that in order to fight and win the war, it requires an expenditure of money that is commiserate with keeping a promise to our troops to make sure that they’re well-paid, well-trained, well-equipped.” (commensurate)
• “We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.” (hostage)
• “When Iraq is liberated, you will be treated, tried and persecuted as a war criminal.” (prosecuted)
• “And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.” (alleviate)

Dan Quayle, courtesy of Snopes:

• “Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.” (bonding)
• “I stand by all the misstatements I have made.” (statements)

The media, also courtesy to Wikipedia:

• It was reported in New Scientist that an office worker described a colleague as “a vast suppository of information.” (repository) The worker then apologised for his “Miss-Marple-ism.” (malapropism) New Scientist reported it as possibly the first time malapropism has been turned into a malapropism.’

This is malapropartistry that few of us could hope to match, but that won’t keep of us from trying.

Eggcorns

What they are: eggcorns are words that are misheard as something that fits into the hearer’s known vocabulary and kind of makes sense. The word was coined by Mark Liberman – perhaps inadvertently – in Language Log when he described a woman who misheard the word acorns as egg corns. Mondegreens are words or phrases that are misunderstood – a subtle and not always clear difference. The word is most often used to describe misunderstood lyrics. Mondegreen or eggcorn – they’re both fun to say. For the whole scoop, read Gavin Edwards entertaining essay on the subject here.

Some eggcorns and mondegreens I stub my sensibilities on regularly online and in the workplace:

• a hair’s breath (should be a hair’s breadth – and not “hare-breath Harry,” either. Dog-breath, maybe.)
• waiting with baited breath – ewwwww! Think about it! Bated breath! Thank you!
• backpeddle – back pedal. Peddling backs sounds like on of those “I woke up in tub of ice” emails.
• bare witness – fun for the jury, but probably warmer to bear witness
• bear-faced lie – very descriptive, but bears don’t lie. Go with bare.
• bold-faced lie – what with our increasing understanding of type faces, this seems to make sense, but really it’s bald-faced – similar to bare-faced. We also don’t grin and bare it, unless we want to annoy the sheriff. We bear it. I know…all these bare bears bearing it in the woods – it’s confusing.
• could of – (could have or could’ve)
• deep-seeded – another that seems sensible, but it’s deep-seated. No soil involved.
• far-gone conclusion – (foregone conclusion)
• for all intensive purposes – intents and purposes
• free reign – King Louis had free reign. The revolution took care of that. Lesser beings have free rein of the horse, not the kingdom.
• get your dandruff up – again I say, and I can’t say this enough – eeewwwww!! Dander!
• get your nipples in a twist – while this may be titillating (sorry), it’s not correct. It’s your knickers that get twisted, unless you’re being tortured and that’s beyond the scope of this site.
• hail and hearty – not unless you’re the weather. Hail can be balls of falling ice or homage to King Louis–either way, your head is in danger. Hale is a healthy state of being, which might achieve with kale and…never mind.
• just assume – (just as soon)
• knitpick – the real thing is the more disgusting one in this case. You are not repairing the sweater, you are picking at little tiny things, like nits, which, in case you don’t know, is another name for lice. Nitpick
• laughing stalk – you could do this, if you’re a giggling pervert. You could hear it, if you have celery hallucinations. Barring those two cases, you must be a laughing stock.
• on tenderhooks – hooks have no tendency to be tender. Tenterhooks.
• past away – easy mistake to make, but if you have trouble remembering that your loved has passed away, just use died.
• hand-ringing – unless you’re Edwina Bellhands, you’re wringing those hands
• keep your eyes pealed – eyes and fruit can be peeled; only bells can be pealed, unless, again, you’re Edwina.
• straightjacket – a person can be in dire straits, requiring a straitjacket while sailing the Straits of Gilbralter. Or one might stick to the straight and narrow path.
• take for granite – you mistook me for a rock?? That’s much worse than taking me for granted.
• expatriot – nope. Expatriate.
• chest of draws – chest of drawers
• wreckless driver – means exactly the opposite of what you were going for – reckless. Perhaps you should just call him a feckless driver.

Think you’re exempt? Hah! As we grow more experienced, we depend more and more on that capacity that allows humans to be human – autopilot. The more we run on autopilot, the more we fluff it. Save yourself. Proof, proof, proof. Get someone else to proof. If you’re building a website, have it scrubbed!

For more eggcorn fun, check out The Eggcorn Database.

Website Scrub – Click Here!